ABOUT two months ago, European wasps declared war on me when one maliciously stung me in a completely unprovoked attack in front of JB Hi Fi.
Well the striped menace may have started this war, but I intend to finish it.
I have already ramped up my personal arsenal with not one, but four EnviroSafe Fly and European Wasp Catchers (made in Australia!), the gardening equivalent to an 88mm anti-aircraft flak battery, bought at a certain hardware warehouse. And so the fightback begins in earnest.
Already well over 200 of the droning demons have been knocked out of this conflict permanently.
One worthy piece of advice from Sun Tzu's classic The Art of War is to know your enemy. And thanks to the Internet, shared knowledge, a little advice garnered from certain hardware warehouse and bit of personal experience, I can now provide the following report from the frontline in the form of bullet points.
* There is in fact two closely related but separate species of European wasp which, apart from three tiny black dots on the face of one, are virtually indistinguishable. I introduced one _ vespula vulgaris, also known as the common or English wasp _ in a previous rant. Ironically it is less common than vespula germanica, the ubiquitous (I love using this word even though I have no real idea what it means) German wasp.
* Vespula germanica, distinguished by the aforementioned black dots, is hardier and more adept at surviving an Australian winter than the English wasp. The German wasp is particularly aggressive and inclined to invade people's homes, two things that would probably be of no great surprise to people from Poland.
* At this stage I have discovered no reference at all to a vespula francais, or French wasp. If one were to exist presumably it would be less aggressive than the German wasp but would prefer savoury to sweet and would build really crappy cars.
* I have trialed four liquid baits in my wasp catchers. Seppelts raspberry cordial is far and away the most successful at luring wasps to their doom, close to 150 already, better than the "official" wasp attractant.
* Pepsi is a work in progress. It works on few wasps, most likely those that enjoy boring, repetitive RnB music. Red Bull has been far less effective than was hoped too, catching just a few wasps to date. On the plus side, however, it was most fun watching those particular wasps buzzing around and banging their heads against the wall of the container for hours like they were loaded up on meth-amphetamine.
* Those bicycle helmets with the vents cut out of the top may be great for keeping riders cool but they offer scant protection from wasps. I have trialed something that looks more like a baseball batter's helmet with more success.
* When a European wasp slams into this baseball helmet while I am riding my bicycle, it makes a particularly satisfying thud. It's really quite cool.
* A tennis racquet can be effective at taking out individual wasps and allows you to get fit and practice your backhand.
* If you try to whack a European wasp with a rolled-up magazine, and miss, it will attack whomever is standing close to it. Try this while standing with a group of Carlton supporters or other people you don't like.
There will be more to report at a later date I'm sure. One other bit of info I gleaned from the internet is that a European wasp queen can lay eggs at a faster rate than I can squash her minions, a crushing discovery.
But there is hope. Judging from the queue of folk lining up to buy wasp catchers at that certain hardware warehouse, our gold and black friends have ticked off a few too many people and now there is a growing army mobilising against them.
War is hell, but it can be immensely satisfying at times too. You know I'm right about this.
Email a friend