The Aboriginal advocate said that, until as recently as five years ago, he was an ugly person to be around.

In a frank and honest interview with The Courier, the 44-year-old said he wasn’t proud of being labelled a perpetrator of violence against women, which included the whole gamut of domestic violence – physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

“On reflection, I was a fairly ugly person ... they were ugly situations,” said Tony, who agreed to reveal his abusive past in the hope of educating people about domestic violence as part of The Courier’s campaign in the lead-up to White Ribbon Day on November 25.

Tony, who five years ago completed court-mandated Men’s Behavioural Change Program through Child and Family Services Ballarat, said during more than one previous relationship he had physically, verbally and emotionally abused his partners.

He also admitted that, as a perpetrator of violence while at the same time mentoring young Aboriginal people about issues including domestic violence, he fraudulently portrayed himself in the community.

“I was a bit of a fraud. I had been part of programs with young Aboriginal people looking at addressing a number of issues, including violence and behavioural change, when, in fact, it was me who needed to change.

“I was doing work with young people prior to undertaking the CAFS program, but I felt like a bit of a fraud, that I wasn’t being up front. I was talking the talk, but I wasn’t walking the walk.”

Tony is expecting and bracing himself for some public backlash after his frank admissions. But he believes the criticism from some sectors of the community is a small price to pay if he can influence just one person to say no to family violence.

He hopes that, by speaking out about his past, he will help educate the Ballarat community about the issue of domestic violence. 

And, this year, five years since completing the CAFS program, Tony feels strong enough to sign the White Ribbon Foundation pledge, a vow to saying no to violence against women.

“I haven’t yet signed the pledge, but this year I will. As a perpetrator of violence, I felt like I was being a fraud by putting this ribbon on and not really believing in it. This year, however, I intended to take that pledge,” Tony said.

After two court appearances for family violence issues, Tony was mandated to undertake the Men’s Behaviour Change Program in 2008.

But there was a major hurdle to cross first. Tony needed to admit he had a problem.

“I came in (to the CAFS program) with the attitude that I wanted to change, but I didn’t think I should be forced into that change. It was a bit of defiance at first, because I thought I didn’t need to be there. The reality check was that if I really wanted to change I would have done something about it earlier.”

Tony always knew he had an abusive streak, but didn’t want to admit to it or to “own” it. Through the CAFS program, he has been able to look at the different influences in his life that weren’t always good.

“Making excuses for my behaviour was one of my biggest problems. I used to make allowances for it, justifying it.”

The death of his father in 2008, combined with a gambling addiction, did little to help Tony’s situation. “(Gambling) wasn’t a cause of the violence, but an issue that I had. I needed to take some ownership of that. I still struggle with (gambling). It’s like any addiction, it’s a constant battle and, occasionally, I fall, but my goal is to pick myself up and move forward, not backwards.

“I also used the excuse of Dad’s death, but that wasn’t respecting his memory or legacy.”

For a long time, he enabled his bad behaviour and let himself get away with it. 

“My behaviour was one that was prevalent throughout my life, in many relationships that ended in violence or because of violence. There is no justifiable reason for violence,” Tony said.

The Men’s Behaviour Change Program enabled Tony to take ownership, take responsibility for his actions. He sat down and asked himself what it was that he wanted to change and why he wanted to change.

“Whether it’s violence against women, violence in the community, violence in the home, you know it’s wrong. There is no place for it.”

Part of the CAFS program is to encourage participants to look at the men we want to be in life.

“I want to be healthy, I want to be successful and I want to be free ... free from persecution, free to make my own decisions, free to hold my head up high in society without guilt, without baggage, without shame,” Tony said.

“On the health side, I wanted a healthy mind and a healthy body and I wanted to be in a healthy environment. So, for me, I wanted to work out how do I influence others around me.”

Another part of that change for Tony was regaining trust in himself and rebuilding the trust of his loved ones.

“Gaining trust, rebuilding trust within a relationship is a huge task.(Trust) is hard to get, easy to lose and to be able to get that back is a daily grind. Trust in myself is not a bullshit approach. You have to stop lying to yourself and saying that (violence) is okay.”

Tony did stop lying to himself and embraced the CAFS program.

“After completing the program I knew what needed to be done. I didn’t walk out (of the program) and everything was fixed. There was still prevalence of violence within the home, but I had to think about what was best for my family. It’s no use them living in fear or walking on egg shells.

“It’s not all fixed and I keep working at it ... constantly.”

Support from his current partner, as well as his extended family and friends has made the task of change easier for Tony in recent years.

“There are people in my life who are important to me and they understand and support me. They don’t excuse me, they don’t let me get away with it,” Tony said.

“I realised I needed to tell people honestly what was going on and I didn’t sugar-coat the situation. There were people prepared to support me and there were people who shook their heads and told me that what I did was wrong. But, I’m glad I had the honest approach in the end.”

Now a changed man, Tony continues to show a strong commitment to Ballarat through his involvement with the local Aboriginal Education Consultative Group, Koorie Engagement Action group, Murray River Marathon – Blues and Brothers team, Ballarat Masters Football Club and by facilitating Families are Forever camps with Grampians Indigenous Family Violence Regional Action Group.

At the moment things are going well in Tony’s life, in his family, his work and within his community.

“Being recognised as the Citizen of the Year for the City of Ballarat has been a very humbling experience for me. But I’m also conscious that it wouldn’t have happened 10 years ago because of the person that I was.”

And if the Tony Lovett of today could go back to the Tony Lovett of a few years ago what would he say? “Be realistic, take ownership of your behaviour, of attitudes ... and be honest.”

kim.quinlan@fairfaxmedia.com.au