Tagger: Five things we thought of this week

By Peter Hanlon
Updated August 30 2014 - 12:18am, first published August 29 2014 - 5:35pm
Illustration: Jim Pavlidis
Illustration: Jim Pavlidis

5 THINGS WE THOUGHT OF ...

WAITING FOR MAD MONDAY

1. Just heard some bloke on the radio saying how it's cruel and inhumane and the government should step in and do something to stop it. Fair enough, but if it hasn't killed Melbourne supporters by now then surely they can get through one more hiding.

2. Gill's been banging on about what a great effort it was for Karmichael Hunt to play 44 games. What about Darren Forssman? He played 45, and he never got a statue or a free Wallabies jumper. Typical bloody AFL.

3. Carlton fans: it's all a matter of perspective. Yes, you'll finish 13th or 14th, but you've been able to watch your coach beat up on a journo every week on the telly! Surely that's what you pay your membership for?

4. In one breath we're told September is when legends are made, and in the next they say the AFL has "taken control of the finals game-day experience". That's confusing at best, downright disturbing at worst.

5. Is there any provision in that "finals game-day experience" for some drugs? Just asking.

ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO

Are you a dodgy bugger who's feeling left out because you haven't had your photo taken with Swanny? Are you a fan of a fringe finals team who's refusing to look beyond this weekend to the likelihood that you'll get belted senseless in the first week of September? Do it for Lenny with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo! Score more points than there'll be empty seats at the Roos-Dees game on Saturday night, and you win!

This weekend's targets:

– Following a bizarre confluence of apparently dodgy stories, it comes to light that Jimmy Bartel really did dive, but only because he was about to be vomited on by Daniel Talia's cat – Worth the fine and demerit points for the story alone points.

– Footy fans respond to the news that Channel Nine wants Richie Benaud to commentate on the cricket from his lounge room by suggesting that Channel Seven have Brian Taylor call the remainder of the footy season from Mawson Station in  Antarctica, without a microphone – Wow-eee it's cold down here points.

– Etihad Stadium security face their biggest challenge since last year's Justin Timberlake concert when they're called in to prise apart Robert Murphy and Daniel Giansiracusa after Sunday's final siren – Get a room points.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

Six steps from John Travolta to Brenton Sanderson:

1. John Travolta started out as Vinnie Barbarino and ended up flying a Qantas plane and now they're losing all that money but he did snog Uma Thurman which is a plus although he's a scientologist which isn't but surely they don't really believe in aliens, like ...

2. Alf, whose real name was Gordon Shumway but let's go with the acronym for all the scientologists out there and he was from Melmac and he liked cats although Daniel Talia's spewy moggy would test him and speaking of sick Cats did someone mention ...

3. Jimmy Bartel, who was a superstar but now he's apparently a scoundrel who destroyed everything with a single forward roll in the pike position and there's so much hot air in footy these days you could power a balloon, a mode of transport generally associated with ...

4. Phileas Fogg, who was a member of the Reform Club so maybe they could put him on the Laws Of The Game committee and he wouldn't be much older than KB and how about those Tigers they've been hotter than Papa Bear's porridge which tastes nice with a dollop of ...

5. Gary Honey, who was a long jumper who would have won an Olympic gold medal if he hadn't come up against Carl Lewis but well done to him and given that the next bloke's team is hoping to go from 11th to eighth maybe he could give some long-jumping tips to ...

6. Brenton Sanderson, who's the coach of the Crows and if a few things go their way they'll get to Sunday arvo needing to score by 80 to be stayin' alive, which is pretty close to scoring in the `70s while dancing to Stayin' Alive, a feat well known to John Travolta.

FOOTYHEAD SAYS

From the bloke still lamenting Luke Ball wearing number 14:

"We learned this year that being successful at a game you weren't born to is very hard, unless you're Irish, gifted or both. That fearlessness is proportional to shortened careers, unless you're Lenny Hayes. That the harder HQ makes it to get to the footy the less likely you are to go, unless you just don't know what to do without it. And that deep down Uncle Mick really is a sweetheart, unless you're a reporter."

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