And call-takers are banned from using the internet or a phone during their shift, leading to boredom punctuated by reports of extreme violence.

An anonymous user claiming to work at a Melbourne-based police 000 call centre spent Tuesday night conducting an extensive ask-me-anything-style chat on internet forum Reddit. The answers are both eye-opening and frightening.

The bread-and-butter police calls are noise complaints, bad drivers, loiterers, and, tragically, family violence.

The biggest causes of problems – anecdotally – are alcohol and domestic violence.

"Remove ice from society and I'd have a 10 per cent lower workload. Remove booze completely and I'd have very little to do for 12 hours."

Asked about the best and worst suburbs, the anonymous dispatcher names Melbourne's outer south-east around Dandenong and Pakenham as "brutal". Sunshine, St Albans, Broadmeadows, Werribee and Tarneit also get a mention as particularly bad.

Frankston and Melton, which often cop a bad rap, are fine. "If I was looking to buy I'd have no problems living in those areas."

Calling to complain about a loud party on a Friday or Saturday night? Don't bother, says the dispatcher.

"Depending on the area and the time, it's unlikely it'll happen anytime soon. On Friday and Saturday nights the police are flat-out knocking the heads in of more hardened offenders."

Perhaps the most frustrating part of the job sounds like dealing with long-winded callers.

"People calling and just hammering away with the most long-winded, convoluted story that goes nowhere and has no relevance at all. 'My cousin bought a Commodore three weeks ago and we just went to get it serviced at me uncle's house and we stopped for some chips and..."

"Two minutes later they tell you they saw someone with a gun at the back of a 7-Eleven pulling a balaclava on. It's infuriating."

"I had a caller once call to complain that she didn't get enough chips at the drive-through. But, she insisted, she wasn't upset about that, she was just pissed off because the staff were so rude to her.

"Every Friday and Saturday night call-takers will receive calls from drunks asking for a lift home. People will call to ask for directions. To help find their missing cat. To check why their power is out. And on and on and on."

The dispatcher said that on a number of times she'd actually provided directions – but please, that's not what the service is for.

The best thing to do when calling 000 is to start by stating your location, the dispatcher says. And then listen and answer the call-taker's questions, rather than trying to interject with your own story.

When 000 is first dialled, the call goes through to Telstra, who then hand the call on to the correct service. Don't know the correct service? The default is always police, says the anonymous dispatcher.

What about if you 'butt-dial' police? Turns out this happens all the time – "no biggie", the dispatcher says. But the call-centre will call you back to check that everything's OK.

"Lots of kids call 000 by accident as their parents give them a phone to play with. Even with no sim card in it can call 000."

Of course if you prank call police over and over eventually a patrol will arrive.

Dispatchers aren't allowed to use the internet or their phones during their 12-hour shifts, limiting boredom-busting activities to reading and crosswords. Call-takers are paid around $80,000, but the 12-hour, 7am to 7pm shifts sound brutal.

The training sounds pretty high-level as well. "Spelling tests, typing tests, psychological testing, mapping testing," all have to be passed to qualify.