It was another blow following a long, drawn-out court case which saw her abuser found guilty of offences against her, only to have the verdict overturned by another judge during an appeal process. 

Feelings of immense shame, isolation, guilt and fear which had plagued Hope for years became too much bear.

“I was devastated and not really sure what had happened,” she said. “All I wanted to do was sleep and hopefully not wake up and have to deal with the memories which had resurfaced and I could no longer block out anymore. I remember running (out of the courtroom) and collapsing. I overdosed and woke up in a hospital.”

The first time Hope was sexually abused she was 13.

“I was held down by three boys who abused me in front of other students,” she said.

During her early adolescence Hope was sexually abused while hospitalised for mental health issues and by a woman at her home when she was 14. It was after that incident, she overdosed for the first time.

“I remember having a scalding hot shower after the woman abused me,” she said. “I felt disgusting and ashamed.”

“I started acting up and inhaling solvents to block my mind from the abuse. My parents were advised to admit me to hospital. I never told anyone about my abuse because I felt so much shame.”

She vividly recalls being locked inside a padded cell in a strait jacket at a psychiatric hospital in Melbourne. She was 14.

Last year, between August and December, Hope tried to end her life three times.  She believed reading online social media commentary about the court case at time which questioned her validity as a victim fulled her suicidal tendencies.

"My greatest fear was that I wouldn't be believed," she said. "I was so anxious to testify as I feared I wouldn't be believed. To read comments online questioning my authenticity as a victim almost destroyed me."    

She said she was left disillusioned by a judicial system which she believed favoured perpetrators over victims. Gruelling cross-examination during the court proceedings had “broken her soul” and made her feel like she was 14 again.

The stress of reliving trauma for two separate court cases also caused her weight to plummet to 41 kilograms. Her request to have a witness protection screen while she gave evidence against the woman who abused her was also denied.  

“The second time I had to give evidence against her during the appeal I just crumbled,” she said. “It was a result of years of holding in my emotions.” 

Experts agree many factors constrain a child from speaking directly about abuse or bringing the complaint to the attention of authorities. The age and development of the child, the severity of the abuse and the availability of support impact the disclosure process. The catalyst for Hope to report her abuse to police was when her eldest son turned the same age as her when she was abused. 

“My son was 13, about to turn 14, and I looked at him and realised how young he actually was,” she said. “I started to break down in tears. It was like someone else was looking at him saying ‘this was you once and look how young you are’.” 

Hope was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and she has battled eating disorders for decades. She said the shame of being a victim of same sex abuse was complex.

“I read a story of a male abuse survivor and found I had more in common with the feelings he expressed than with many female victims,” she said. “Although it’s been told to me many times by (Centre Against Sex Assault) counsellor and the detective handling my case ‘I was a child and she was an adult.’ I still find it all very hard to live with. The shame and guilt of it stopped me from disclosing for years.”

She suffers flashbacks and is often triggered by living in a city where so much child abuse has occurred. But gradually she is piecing her life back together.  Spurred on by the love of her three children, Hope has found solace in mindfulness, yoga, mediation and gardening. She wants other people to know there is hope and she is sharing her story to inspire others suffering in silence to reach out for help.

“I had times where I was suicidal an told people including my GP who were able to talk me through it and the feelings passed,” she said.“I want people to know they are not alone. There is hope if they reach out. These feelings of despair and pain will pass. I know now, you can heal from adversity and you can use the experience to try and make change for others.” *Hope is not her real name.