Naked is new black at Arias

I’m not a big fan of the Aria Awards, mainly because I think most modern music sounds like someone sucking helium through a blender.

I mean who – or what – is a Flume? I thought it was a water slide for logs but apparently it’s also a record producer, musician and DJ who looks about as old as my last hot dinner.

But I always like to check out the fashions. And this year’s didn’t disappoint.

Jessica Mauboy clearly hoped tacking red satin strips on her dress would disguise the fact she was actually wearing an old psychedelic couch cover.

Swedish singer Tove Lo wore an orange see through dress with the female reproductive system printed on it in the anatomically correct places. It was like being slapped in the face with a sex ed lesson.

DJ Havana Brown, Britney Spears called and wants her tacky double denim look back. And Jessica Biel, she wouldn’t mind if you handed over that curly-headed bloke she was dating at the time too.

Charlie XCX introduced a new word into the fashion lexicon – underbutt – in her teeny, tiny white dress. It’s now replacing side boob as the surest way to get your wobbly bits photographed.

And while we all love Aussie Idol runner-up Shannon Noll, he’s clearly trying to turn back the clock and hope that this time he wins. Shannon, the botox is starting to take more than it gives.

Singer Megan Washington is renowned for being a bit quirky. But her pink frothy dress made me want to stuff her full of toilet rolls and stick her on my dunny.

Robbie Williams looked like he’d dressed in a kaleidoscope while let’s hope no-one catches Ben Lee’s disease of pairing thinning locks with canary yellow. 

But the pair who took the cake were twin sisters, the Veronicas, who confused red body paint with clothing. Seems naked is the new black.