But first, the set-up.

As the Lannister army marches away from Highgarden, Jaime tosses Bronn (Jerome Flynn) a sack of looted gold coins, reward for his loyal service. He's been victorious in battle but Jaime is smarting over the news it was Olenna (Diana Rigg) who had poisoned his brother-son Joffrey.

"Queen of Thorns give you one last prick in the balls before saying goodbye," Bronn asks. As usual, the mercenary is on the money.

Bronn has a small bugbear of his own. That sack of gold is all well and good, but where's the castle he was promised?

"You don't want a castle," says Jaime. "Think of the upkeep. The more you own, the more it weighs you down." Those words will prove prophetic; it's almost as if the writers know what's coming.

Almost home, Bronn lad. What could possibly go wrong? Photo: HBO

In King's Landing, Iron "Rhymes-With" Banker Tycho Nestoris (Mark Gatiss) is playing footsy with his latest client, Cersei (Lena Headey), who has so little to do this week she spends most of the episode in the catering tent.

He's loving the fact that she's about to settle her loan with the Tyrell loot, and not at all fussed about how she came upon her new wealth. "I am merely an instrument of the institution I represent," he says. "Its well-being is a matter of arithmetic, not sentiment. And the current arithmetic is outstanding."

Imagine how much more outstanding it might be if she were to expand her war-waging, he suggests. Today Highgarden; tomorrow the world.

In Winterfell, Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) gives Bran (Isaac Hempstead White) a dagger, the very same blade that was once drawn on his mother, Catelyn.

"Do you know who this belonged to," Bran asks.

Littlefinger says no, though the correct answer is "me". But since Bran is now Google - he knows everything about everyone, including Littlefinger's taste in p-rn - it's a pointless lie.

We'd be happy to lend you the money to wage war on Westeros. Do you need a new car too? Mark Gatiss as the banker.

But here's the downside to being Google: all data, no empathy. Meera (Ellie Kendrick) comes in to admire his wheelchair and say farewell, and Bran is all like, "Yeah, whatevs. It's been real. Thank you."

"Thank you - is that all," says Meera. "My brother died for you. Hodor and Summer [the direwolf] died for you, I almost died for you. Bran???"

"I'm not really." Bran, that is. "Not any more. I remember what it felt like to be Brandon Stark, but I remember so much else now."

"You died in that cave."

He doesn't deny it, just crashes. Spinning wheel of death.

Arya (Maisie Williams) is at the gate of Winterfell, trying to convince the guards she is who she claims. "Arya Stark's dead," says one. "It's cold and we're busy, so best f--- off."

She sneaks past them anyway, and finds her sister in the crypt.

"Do I have to call you Lady Stark now," she asks.

"Yes." It's a joke, only without the jokey bit.

"You shouldn't have run from the guards," says Sansa.

"I didn't run. You need better guards."

???

I lug you like this for months, and this is the thanks I get?

She mentions her kill list. Sansa laughs, a little too giddily. (Is she on it? Is Arya still peeved about that time she stole her ice-cream while she was looking the other way?)

They visit Bran-not-Bran. He knows Cersei is on Arya's list of names.

Who else is on it, Sansa asks. (Is she on it? Maybe she shouldn't have dobbed Arya in for wagging school that time.)

"Most of them are dead already."

Bran whips out his dagger, tells them Littlefinger gave it to him.

"He's not a generous man," notes Sansa. "He wouldn't give you anything unless he thought he was getting something back."

GoogleBran doesn't know what Littlefinger is playing at - well, he probably does, but if you don't type in the right question with him, you're not going to get the right answer, are you? He doesn't want it anyway. "It's wasted on a cripple."

Arya takes it. She'll waste someone with it, for sure.

Back in Dragonstone, Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) and Daenerys are getting all Samantha and Carrie on us.

"What happened," Dany asks, meaning "between you and he who has no penis but sure knows how to compensate".

"Many things," Missandei answers, a cat-that-got-the-cream look on her face.

"Many things?"

He put his what where? Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) and Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) have a Sex and the City moment.

But before we get the lowdown (so to speak) on her date with Grey Worm, wet blanket Jon Snow butts in. He wants to show Dany his stash of dragonglass, which is sadly not a euphemism, and something else too: cave drawings made by the Children of the Forest, "a very long time ago".

The images show them and the First Men. "Fighting each other," Dani asks.

He shows her another set of images. White Walkers. "They fought together, against their common enemy, despite their differences, despite their suspicions. We need to do the same if we're going to survive."

"I will fight for you, I will fight for the north," says Dany, finally swayed. Primitive drawings are mightier than the tongue, it seems. Grey Worm excepted. There's a caveat, though. "When you bend the knee."

Of course, he refuses, because that's what he does. He's Jon S. No.

He might be a bastard, but he's got a big ... heart. Photo: HBO

Outside, Tyrion is on the beach. "We took Casterly Rock."

"That's good news," Dany says uncertainly, noticing his glum face.

Soon enough she grasps the truth of her situation. "All my allies have gone. They've been taken from me while I've been sitting on this island."

She's ready to fly her dragons into battle, but Tyrion thinks they should stick to the plan. You know, the one where she loses her fleet and her armies and her strategic advantage. It's working a treat so far.

She asks Jon what he thinks she should do. He says people follow her because she makes them believe she can build a world "that's different from the shit one they've always known". But if she uses her dragons "to melt castles and burn cities", he adds, "you're not different. You're just more of the same."

Yeah, she thinks. But they're so cool. What if I just use one dragon, and promise not to burn any cities, just a few soldiers? Will that be OK? Please, Jon, say yes. Oh, please.

???

Remind me, Tyrion, how well is this plan of yours working out? Photo: HBO

While she's pretending to be conflicted about the imminent loss of life, Jon and Davos have a little Carrie and Samantha moment of their own.

"What do you think of her," Davos asks.

"Who?"

"I believe you know of whom I speak."

He's talking about Jon's Aunty Dany, of course.

"She has a good heart," says Jon.

"I've seen you staring at her good heart," says Davos.

"There's no time for that," snaps Jon. Besides, that's no way to talk about my AILF.

Speaking of good hearts, here comes Missandei. She explains that in Naath, where she comes from, there is no marriage, so the concept of a bastard doesn't exist. Davos rather likes that idea; it certainly wouldn't hurt Jon's claim to the throne any.

She also explains that Dany is "not our queen because she's the daughter of some king we never knew. She's our queen because we chose her."

Davos likes that even more. "Will you forgive me if I switch sides," he asks Jon.

On the road to King's Landing, Jaime and Bronn catch sight of the younger Tarly as they ride among the weary Lannister troops.

"Rickard," says Jaime in greeting.

"Dickon," he corrects.

Bronn cracks up.

That's the biggest bird I've ever seen: Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) conetmplate Dany's secret weapon.

How was your first battle, Jaime asks.

"It was glorious," he lies.

"Come on, your father's not here," says Bronn.

"I didn't expect it to smell like that."

"Men shit themselves when they die," says Bronn. "Didn't they teach you that at fancy lad school?"

It's hardly Samantha and Carrie-style chin-wagging, but it's cut short anyway by the sound of thundering hooves. War-cries echo across the flat plain. It's the Dothraki.

Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

Hundreds of men prepare to shit themselves.

As a dragon swoops over the Dothraki cavalry, the battlefield becomes a veritable sewer.

It's Drogon, and Dany is on his back. "Dracarys," she cries and the front line of the infantry instantly becomes so many toasted marshmallows.

The archers' arrows bounce off Drogon's chest as he sets lines of wagons ablaze; it looks like the highway of death in the first Gulf War, when the convoy of Saddam's retreating troops was incinerated by coalition forces.

Jaime sends Bronn to man Qyburn's Scorpion, the Intercontinental Ballistic Crossbow he's developed in the dungeon of King's Landing. It's still in beta, but that's got to be better than being burned.

On the way to the weapon, a Dothraki cuts the leg off Bronn's horse, and he falls to the ground, loses his sack of gold, and almost has his eyebrows burnt off by that bloody dragon. This really is turning into a tough day at the office.

The dragon swoops low over the lake, like a Lancaster bomber getting ready to drop its payload in The Dambusters. Jaime is fresh out of ideas, and Tyrion, looking on from a hill above the fray, fears the worst for his brother.

At his second attempt, Bronn lands a massive arrow in Drogon's shoulder. Landing in agony, the beast is really flamin' mad now.

I can see my house from up here: Daenerys atop Drogon. Photo: HBO

Dany tries to pull it out and while she's so occupied, Jaime sees his chance. He picks up a spear and begins to charge.

"Flee you idiot," Tyrion urges from on high. "You f---ing idiot."

Dany looks doomed, but as Jaime closes in Drogon turns and lets fly with another burst of flame. Now Jaime looks doomed, until someone leaps off a horse to his side and pushes him into the lake.

Saved!

But wait. He's in a full suit of armour. How saved can he be?

He plummets, and the screen fades to black.

What was it Jaime said to Bronn? "The more you own, the more it weighs you down." Oh the irony. Not to mention the leathery and the little bit of woody. Probably some woolly in there too.

Whatever he's wearing, Jaime is surely sunk now.

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