Helen Watson's Beaufort home is the last on its street, a lovely weatherboard house at the foot of a reserve. It is where town meets country, shaded by eucalypts, looking out towards Mount Cole in the distance - the sort of place that might catch your eye if you wanted a peaceful retreat.
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"I love it here," said Mrs Watson, who moved from Ballarat a few years ago back to the area where her paternal family once lived. "I love gardening, so it suits me well. It's for mindfulness, I think."
Mindfulness is a word she uses often, a hint perhaps into a struggle that has dominated her life for the best part of 30 years.
On the surface it is impossible to spot. She is sparky and welcoming company - despite the dark story she is now used to telling.
"There won't be a thing I won't be able to answer," she told The Courier at the start of our conversation. "I don't see this as gutsy because I've done it many times."
She remembered how her eldest son Peter - "a kind, gentle boy, the most amazing young man" - went off the rails at the age of 15. He said nothing at the time, although she suspected something had happened when he returned home from spending the night at the Ararat presbytery.
I've been working on this for 20 years to try and get some justice for Peter my son but also for the other victims, because I knew there were many other victims
- Helen Watson
And she vividly recalled the moment five years later in 1996 when he told her he had been sexually abused by a priest.
"I'll never forget this as long as I live," she said. "We were driving - it was near Ballan - and he said if you tell anyone mum, I'll kill myself."
The priest Peter later named, Paul Ryan, pleaded guilty this week in a Melbourne County Court to charges of sexual abuse against underage boys.
Peter, however, was not there to see it happen. He took his own life aged 24 in 1999 after years of struggling with his mental health.
His body was not identified when he died and Mrs Watson spent almost six years "desperately looking" for him. "They were the worst days of my life," she said. "I juggled a job with non-stop trying to find my son. It's what a mother does."
Eventually, a police officer arranged for Peter's body to be exhumed from a nameless grave for fingerprint testing, and Mrs Watson finally learned of her son's death. Shortly after Peter's funeral in 2005, Ryan was jailed on separate child sexual abuse charges, spending less than a year behind bars.
For Mrs Watson, Ryan's guilty plea this week is not the end of the struggle - but she hopes it has brought it within sight.
"I've been working on this for 20 years to try and get some justice for Peter my son but also for the other victims, because I knew there were many other victims."
Most of the time, she told her story in a matter-of-fact way, but here Mrs Watson shuddered visibly.
There was also a glimpse of an inner steel that has carried her through many difficult years.
"And I never gave up. Not once," she said. "I had a strong sense of what I've done is right. Been a long time waiting, but that's ok, it's happening now.
"Whatever the judge decides [with the sentencing], providing it's incarceration, I will be very happy with that."
Although Ryan was never prosecuted for abuse against Peter, Mrs Watson hopes to put a victim impact statement forward in time for the plea hearing on May 13.
She did not give one when Ryan was previously jailed. It was just months after her Peter's funeral and she could not even contemplate it. But now she would like to have her story told in court, as it was during the Royal Commission in 2015.
"For me to have my say, and say how it's affected me, my family, my way of life, that's what I want to do. If I can do that, that would be the ultimate."
"First of all watching my son's life just spiral out control, and the numerous suicide attempts."
She would also detail the devastating effect on her family, including her split from her husband Tim.
"I was focused on trying to find Peter," she said. "I now can see it differently but at the time, I felt like I was on my own."
Her own personal struggles with gambling and alcohol followed, a secret she kept while holding down a responsible job.
"That [gambling and drinking] was my survival thing - and I know now it doesn't work - but that was my crutch, it was my escapism."
In fact, telling her story at the Royal Commission had a healing effect. She is in touch with her former husband and when I texted her later to check whether she preferred Ms or Mrs, she replied: "OK for Mrs. I'm a bit old fashioned. Never divorced. Meaningful relationship, which is good."
She also talked gratefully of the "lovely" relationship with her other son Michael, who she describes as an "amazing support". He was by her side as she read her statement at the Royal Commission.
One aspect of her life, however, was broken beyond repair: her faith. "It was like the Church had raped my soul, by doing the cover-up," she said.
Ryan, who had question marks over his sexual behaviour with underage boys even before he was ordained, was moved on from parish to parish every time abuse accusations surfaced.
From the early 1970s onwards, rumours followed him, from Adelaide, to Melbourne, Ballarat Warrnambool, Penshurst, even to the United States where was sent for "spiritual formation". He was finally defrocked while a parish priest in Ararat in 1993.
"You can take Ryan out of the equation. He sexually abused my son, who took his life. That's serious, that's awful, that's horrible but when I look at what the Church has done and done and done."
"We used to say the rosary every night, I was in the Legion of Mary, the Children of Mary, going to be a nun, all that stuff."
"It's just totally destroyed that part of me and I haven't got it back."
While she believes there are a lot of good priests ("the priest in Ararat is amazing and I think he's trying his heart out to try and resurrect what he can"), she says she could never return to the Catholic Church.
"I believe in being a good person and treating other people well but I would still like to put it under an umbrella.
"I don't have a belief system and I don't think that's a good thing for any person."
Mrs Watson is, however, much more positive now about victims being able to tell their story.
She does not think Peter could have come forward as the sexual abuse affected him so greatly - and his claims would have been dismissed.
"He would have been sent away, pushed away. 'Don't want to know about it, you're making it up. You must be a wicked boy.' All that sort of stuff. That was the mentality of the Catholic Church in those days."
But she believes that with more victims coming forward, others are able to follow.
"I don't say it's easier but it makes people a bit more willing to take the risk. It's paved a way where they feel more comfortable in a supported environment. There's a lot of groups out there, amazing groups of support people - the Loud Fence is an example."
I will put all my energy into doing what I want to do here, and writing my book. That's the plan. And I can do that, I know I can do it. I can walk away with my head held high.
- Helen Watson
She also unequivocally thinks more still needs to be done to help victims recover. She describes Peter Blenkiron and Clare Linane's campaign for a health and healing clinic in Ballarat as "amazing" and recalled asking the Bishop of Ballarat diocese Paul Bird for something similar for Ararat when she went through mediation. "It was top of my list. He almost fell off his chair".
"I would be totally behind that. After the sentencing I am finishing but if anyone could get that going, I would jump on board that one because I just think that it's paramount to the mental health and the survival of a lot of people that are victims." .
"Because they can have a life again, they've got to live with the trauma, and PTSD is horrible... but it doesn't mean to say you can't have a reasonable life."
With Ryan's sentencing due in May, she seems ready for a new phase in life. She plans to enjoy her spot by the gum trees, tending her eclectic garden of roses, berries and fruit trees - also good for mindfulness she told me - as well as writing a "tell-all, positive" book.
"That's the ultimate, having Ryan incarcerated. That's everything I have worked towards. I am powerless to do anything else.
"I don't need to do any more. I don't want to be involved in anything any more.
"I will put all my energy into doing what I want to do here, and writing my book. That's the plan. And I can do that, I know I can do it. I can walk away with my head held high."
- Affected by this story? The Centre Against Sexual Assault Ballarat has urged people affected by the news of Cardinal Pell's conviction, or the revelations of child sexual abuse, to seek help if needed. People can arrange a one-off session, or they can look to have ongoing counselling. The centre also offers advocacy and case management.
- Phone CASA, Sebastopol on 5320 3933, email casa@bhs.org.au, or free-call the crisis care line 24 hours on 1800 806 292.
- Phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, or Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.
- The Blue Knot Foundation, which helps survivors of childhood trauma, has a helpline available from 9am to 5pm on 1300 657 380, or email helpline@blueknot.org.au
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