Choosing to live in full colour: Holly Baker's turning point to give up drinking hit hard
THERE came a point for Holly Baker in her bedroom one night when she reached what she calls the cross-roads and she could only see two stark choices: kill herself or do something different. The latter choice was tough to swallow for Holly, who says it is difficult to admit your way of doing things was not working.
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Holly had struggled to understand why her mum and close friends had stuck close, refusing to give up on her, heaviest years of drinking.
Her mum kept telling her every now and then, there were these glimpses of hope.
Holly was baffled by how the disease took hold, despite her having control in other all other aspects of her life. Holly would drink to get drunk, every time, in a bit to numb her mind from the racing negativity swirling about herself. She felt there was no other way to stop this.
The 34-year-old, five years sober, tells her story in a bid to raise awareness in some warning signs for others, to break down alcoholic stereotypes and above all to offer hope.
Holly has made peace with herself and those she wronged when drinking or using other drugs.
This gave her the confidence to stand up before newly made friends and candidly offer her story in a Western Bulldogs' Daughters of the West session this year.
The bubbly way Holly now embraces life and her raw honesty, received without judgement, made her this season's Daughters of the West Ballarat club champion.
Holly said the difference in approaching every day now as a recovering alcoholic was like seeing the world about her in colour for the first time. She has more time to fill her day with the things and people she loves most rather than nursing a hangover.
But it took a long time, a lot of support from Alcoholics Anonymous and a lot of hard work to move clear past that cross-roads.
Holly did not start drinking alcohol until she was 21. Growing up, Holly says she always felt a bit "odd" compared to others - a trait she proudly says helps her as an artist now.
Holly used drinking to numb her anxiety and lingering effects of childhood trauma. Only, the drugs played into her poor self-image.
Holly got into serious trouble and often had no recollection of her actions.
One night Holly fell three storeys off a balcony and landed on her back but did not break a bone. She still drank for a year after that.
No matter what time I got home, Mum was awake. When I'd ask her why she was up, she'd say she was doing the washing but really she was staying up to make sure I made it home alive.
- Holly Baker
"I didn't know it at the time but my drinking was impacting everyone around me. As you do when you can't take care of yourself, you wind up back living at Mum's," Holly said.
"No matter what time I got home, Mum was awake. When I'd ask her why she was up, she'd say she was doing the washing but really she was staying up to make sure I made it home alive.
"When I was in recovery, Mum was staying with me one night. I got home late from an AA meeting - it had run late and some nights we'd go out for a chat and coffee afterwards. When I got home, I found Mum asleep. I thought, 'Mum gets sleep now, she can rest'."
Mostly Holly would drink on her own, but in a public venue, like a pub, to hide her addiction from family and friends at home. To Holly, an alcoholic was that guy in the park with a bottle tucked in a brown paper bag.
Holly started meeting the "used to people" - the ones who would say 'I used to run' or 'I used to read lots of books'.
In her recovery, Holly realised she had been existing rather than living and she did not want to be one moaning about what she used to do. She wanted to experience all of life.
Her life was back in technicolour and with all the incredibly great moments, like the birth of her son in April last year. But Holly is experiencing the most horrific pain too. Her beloved brother Shannon took his own life three months later.
"I had been sober for enough time up to that point to find other ways to help cope," Holly said. "I wanted to experience life full-on and I did it all stone-cold sober. It's good to face that and feel everything."
I wanted to experience life full-on and I did it all stone-cold sober.
- Holly Baker
Holly said the change in her life had to come from within. Looking back on when she hit the cross-roads, Holly now feels she was meant to be here.
Her step-father suggested she sign up for Daughters of the West. He had been to the Bulldogs' Sons of the West, holistic health program for men in Ballarat and felt Holly would enjoy the women's program.
"I did it to get out of my comfort zone, like all the women there," Holly said.
"I just went along being a dag. I just want to have a lot of fun while I'm here, and be present in the moment.That's how I approach life in general now, I want to make the most of any opportunity that comes my way. I didn't know any of the women in Daughters of the West and I did not feel any judgement from them."
Holly said it was exciting to not have to convince anyone she was sober any more - you could tell by just looking her in the eyes and seeing their sparkle.
- If you are triggered by this story or issue, contact Ballarat Community Health on 5338 4500 about treatment.
- If you or someone you know need crisis support, call Lifeline 13 11 14 or beyondblue 1300 224 636.
Warning 'wine mums' normalise big issue
ALCOHOL is infiltrating modern women's empowerment movements, experts warn, while at the same time females are fast closing the gap on drinking rates compared to men.
There are the 'wine mum' memes, suggesting a drink once the children are in bed as a means to cope with the perceived household craziness in 'me time'.
There are the glossy influencer pictures showcasing a glass of bubbly in hand as a must-have fashion accessory at the races. Or the slimmer beverage cans, playing on femininity.
A new report in the United Kingdom has found increases in women's drinking reflect positive changes in social positions. Increased independence, socially and economically means women are more actively taking up masculine activities, like drinking, and in turn, the alcohol industry has a strong growth market to target.
Australian policy director Trish Hepworth, from Foundation for Alcohol Research and Education, said such modern portrayals of women with alcohol normalise drinking culture. Ms Hepworth told The Courier this made it harder for women to gauge dangerous drinking levels.
"One I see all the time on social media are the wine mums. It resonates with so many and blows out the water the notion women must feel nothing but overjoyed to have children, a blessing," Ms Hepworth said.
The reality is kids sometimes drive you to absolute despair. The industry draws on these feelings to flog their product.
- Trish Hepworth, FARE policy director
"The reality is kids sometimes drive you to absolute despair. The industry draws on these feelings to flog their product...We need to recognise motherhood can be difficult, children can be a pain, and put in place support systems rather than showing wine could obliterate all your problems.
"...Before you know it, a glass becomes a bottle a night. As a society we're particularly good at recognising people drinking at dangerous levels in public but normalising alcohol culture makes it harder to get self-reflective."
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Ballarat Community Health alcohol and other drugs manager Suzanne Powell said the key red flags are when drinking starts to impact on lifestyle and behaviour. For example, getting up for work, relationships, not being able to afford bills but still buying a bottle of wine.
Alcohol remains the most prominent substance for which people seek treatment from Ballarat Community Health.
Ms Powell said dependence is often progressive, not a conscious decision, and does not discriminate - and this goes for all substances. BCH clients range from 12 years old to those in their 80s across all socioeconomic backgrounds.
"Australian culture plays a huge role in drinking. It's legal but also acceptable and, to a point, almost expected," Ms Powell said.
"We celebrate with alcohol, we commiserate with alcohol...We really need strong intention to work hard to shift that in culture."
Ms Powell and Ms Hepworth both say those who chose not to drink should be able to do so without question or suspicion. They call for this instead to become normalised.
- If you are triggered by this story or issue, contact Ballarat Community Health on 5338 4500 about treatment.
- If you or someone you know need crisis support, call Lifeline 13 11 14 or beyondblue 1300 224 636.
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