A man raped by a notorious pedophile priest at age nine is fed up with being forced to relive the nightmare over and over again.
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
$0/
(min cost $0)
or signup to continue reading
He was first let down by the Catholic church, who moved the Ballarat-raised Gerald Ridsdale to Mortlake with knowledge of previous abuse.
"What I can't get past is he should never have got to me, he should never have got to anyone," the man said.
Now it's the justice system, the man says, that has let him down time and time again.
The wheels of justice turn agonisingly slow, he says, and he has been forced to tell his story over and over again, with psychologists employed by the church trying to rip to shreds his story.
"The psychological warfare they put you through with the legal process is as bad as the abuse itself," he said.
Many people give up their fight because it just adds to their pain.
"Heaps never even start because it's too hard," he said. "It takes a real f****** hate to follow it through."
IN OTHER NEWS
The man was dealt the latest blow when it was revealed earlier this year that victims of sexual abuse would have to seek a court order to be named.
The state government is now taking steps immediately to ensure victims of sexual assault could share their stories.
The man, who has previously been referred to as JCB, said the initial law change had been just another blow to victims.
At present, victims need a court order to be allowed to share their story.
But this is something JCB refuses to do.
"I'm not going to apply to have my freedom restored," he said.
"Why should I have to do that?"
JCB was raped in a confessional box in the early 1980s.
He didn't know why at the time, but before the horrific incident he had been warned by an older boy to never be caught alone with Ridsdale.
"The older boy said don't get caught alone with Father G," JCB said.
After he was raped, JCB fled home to the treehouse in his backyard where he made himself two promises.
"I promised myself I was never ever going to tell anyone what happened and I would never get caught alone with Father G again," he said.
Sadly, he couldn't escape the horror movie that played over and over again in his head.
When he attended a service at St Colman's church in Mortlake, the place where his innocence had been stolen, he contemplated ending his life.
"I decided if I was going to live I had to come clean," he said. "I hit rock bottom."
When he finally reported the crime, it took five years of further trauma to obtain a settlement with the Catholic church.
It was a multi-million dollar settlement, but JCB's costs over the years have been substantial and a portion of that remains tied up in costs court, he says.
The 47-year-old said the mental and physical scars of his abuse could never be healed. He hopes there will be a time when the Catholic church is no more.
JCB also thinks people who had knowledge about paedophile priests like Ridsdale should be held to account.
"Ridsdale was a sick bastard who was let loose by the institution," he said.
"He should have been pulled up."
JCB said over the years different things had triggered him to have flashbacks of the abuse.
Ridsdale wanted students at St Colman's to call him Fuzzy Bear, something JCB and others refused to do.
There is a photo of the disgraced priest wearing a Fuzzy Bear t-shirt that is often used in media reports.
JCB said victims such as himself dealt better with reports about Ridsdale or other paedophile priests if they are given prior warning.
But on one occasion, he got no such warning and couldn't control his emotions.
"I was on a train and there was a guy who looked a lot like Ridsdale wearing a Fuzzy Bear t-shirt," JCB said.
"I lost it at him."
Victorian attorney general Jill Hennessy announced amendments to the Judicial Proceedings Reports Act to allow victims to share their stories.
"Surviving sexual assault is not a source of shame-our laws will enable victim-survivors can speak publicly, on their terms," Ms Hennessy said.
"We will protect victim-survivors' rights to share their story - giving them the opportunity to heal and advocate for change so that we rid society of this violent behaviour.
"I thank the victim-survivors and advocates who offered their experience and expertise.
"Your insight and courage helped shape these laws and will protect the rights of anyone who speaks out about sexual assault."
He admitted to molesting hundreds of children.
A story in the mid-1990s proved Ballarat Bishop Ronald Mulkearns knew about complaints from Inglewood in 1975 after a police officer became involved and informed the bishop of the complaint against Ridsdale.
Affected by this story?
Professional helplines are available for anyone who is struggling, including survivors and their families.
The Centre Against Sexual Assault Ballarat has urged people affected by the revelations of child sexual abuse to seek help if needed.
Trained counsellors are available to speak to on a number of issues.
"We encourage anyone who has been affected by sexual assault to seek support," a spokesperson said,
"At Ballarat CASA we listen, provide support and advocacy in addition to acknowledging your experiences and the impact it may have had on your life."
People can arrange a one-off session at the centre in Sebastopol, or they can look to have ongoing counselling.
The centre also offers advocacy and case management.
Phone CASA Ballarat on 5320 3933, email casa@bhs.org.au, or free-call the crisis care line 24 hours on 1800 806 292.
Phone Lifeline 24-hours on 13 11 14, Beyondblue on 1300 224 636, or Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.
The Blue Knot Foundation, which helps survivors of childhood trauma, has a helpline available from 9am to 5pm on 1300 657 380, or email helpline@blueknot.org.au for more information.