Putting a musical legend together with the next big thing for a mash-up sounds good on paper. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard on stage.

At times, I felt like I was watching a school concert but half the pupils had fallen into a vat of botox.

For example, the combination of Pharrell Williams, Daft Punk and Stevie Wonder was a bit flat. Or maybe that's just what I wanted to do to Pharrell's ridiculously large hat. It was like an akubra in need of a probiotic. 

And I know Daft Punk looking like stormtroopers is all part of their shtick but I grew up in the 80s. I saw a band put flowerpots on their heads and talk about whipping it real good. These dudes just look like try-hards.

And having 33 couples of all combinations marry during Macklemore's performance of Same Love just reminded me of the Moonies. I understood the sentiment. I just felt the sentiment was lacking as Queen Latifah read the wedding ceremony at 200 miles an hour so Madonna could butcher Open Your Heart. It was all a bit sad, like watching a once great footballer play one season too many - just with a face like The Joker.

However, I did quite enjoy Pink's act, mainly because if I had to sing while spinning around on a trapeze I would have gone down in musical history for chucking my performance.

Then there were the fashions. Some no name called Paris Hilton decided to go semi-nude. It was such an obvious ploy for publicity. I don't think she'll ever make it as an It Girl. And even Katy Perry hit a rough note in her musically themed Valentino.

 Meanwhile, the amount of daggy dancing in the audience was also a concern. Yoko Ono should stick to standing dead still and making peace signs and Paul McCartney should be forever glued into his seat.

But my vote for the worst performance of the night came from usually the classiest lady of the lot.

Beyonce decided to channel her inner Miley and gyrated in a g-string with the obligatory slip of the upper apparel. Come on Bey, it was like watching Meryl Streep acting in The Hangover.