I WAS on holiday last week. Or - as I like to call it - Fiona's vacation in purgatory.
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First off, all three of us got sick with some flu-like bug. We had more aches and pains than a Nick Riewoldt recovery session and took more naps than the Disney princess I strongly suspect had undiagnosed narcolepsy.
Secondly, it rained almost the entire week. So my windscreen wiper motor retaliated by playing dead. It was so convincing, we had to bury it, but at least I could see the road again, instead of a really scenic waterfall.
I chalked that one up to a win for Ballarat's road users and a loss for my bank balance.
Thirdly, we overran our internet usage. Having done this once before - and suffered terribly from social media withdrawal - we have always been careful about not repeating the mistake. Then we realised that all those people pulling up outside our house on our very busy street weren't really answering their mobile phones. They were white collar criminals disguised as good citizens piggybacking on our wifi. Mind you, our password was easier to break than Carlton's defence line, so we weren't really putting the hackers through their mental paces. (A note to said hackers: our password is now harder to crack than Geoffrey Edelstein's face.)
Fourthly, my dad had a second knee replacement. Like the first one, it involved more drama than a typical day in Salem. There's been more blood lost than an average month in Transylvania, more infections than a childcare centre and more stitches than the entire cast of the Real Housewives of Melbourne.
As I write, he has just been readmitted to hospital for the third time. I think it's the doctor's Easter present to the family.
I also had three trips to Melbourne in five days. My daughter is on the leadership team of a Royal Children's Hospital committee so we trek up and down the highway on a regular basis. Luckily for me and my other daughter we discovered an authentic Irish restaurant nearby which does a mean shepherd's pie, a great Guiness (for me only obviously) and Bono on the stereo. Trust me, it was a rare highlight in an otherwise bleak week.