Ballarat survivors of child sexual abuse at the hands of former Christian Brother Edward Dowlan, who now goes by the name Ted Bales, say they feel 'robbed' of a 'normal life'.
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Dowlan on Thursday pleaded guilty to assaulting 19 of his former students between 1971 and 1988, including when he taught at schools in Ballarat.
Victim survivors told the court they continued to deal with the impacts of the offending more than 30 years later.
One survivor who attended St Patrick's College in 1974 said he never told anyone what happened to him at the time because children were not believed.
"I have been a lonely alcoholic all throughout my adult life," he wrote in his victim impact statement that was read to the court.
"I struggled to hold a job and drifted from town to town. I feel like I have been robbed of a normal life. I have been unable to find happiness and I doubt I ever will.
"I suspect alcohol abuse will put me in an early grave and I will be glad of it."
Another survivor who attended St Alipius Boys School in the early 1970s said he became introverted and suspicious of those caring for him.
I have been unable to find happiness and I doubt I ever will.
- Victim survivor
He said he had flashbacks and nightmares, retreated into his own world and descended into a cycle of drug and alcohol abuse.
He said he had not worked for 10 years due to his mental health issues, his wife was now his full-time carer and he was no longer comfortable interacting with others.
Another survivor who attended St Patrick's College said he was triggered and reminded of the offending every time he saw a Loud Fence or newspaper article on child sexual abuse.
"Even now I am frightened to see or hear his name," he wrote in a victim impact statement that was read to the court.
"I thought these incidents were my fault. I didn't socialise or interact with a lot of people after school and withdrew into myself."
The survivor said he left school early and drank too much alcohol so he could sleep better.
He said his wife encouraged him to seek assistance and the Centre Against Sexual Assault had helped him regain belief in himself and learn to control his 'outbursts'.
The survivor said he cried when Dowlan pleaded guilty to the offending against him.
"When he pleaded guilty it was like a weight had been lifted off me because he acknowledged what he did was wrong," he said.
Another survivor said he used to run around Lake Wendouree with 'Brother Dowlan' who promised he would help him achieve his athletic dreams.
"I felt honoured and privileged Brother was going to help me fulfil the only thing I dreamt about, playing VFL or cricket in Australia," he wrote in his statement.
"You shattered every dream. My life began to spiral out of control."
The survivor said he began stealing cars, abusing alcohol, getting into fights and self-harming after he was assaulted.
"A pattern started in my life that almost ended my life on numerous occasions," he said.
"I was toxic... I turned my back on my mother and father and family and blamed my parents for sending me to St Patrick's College.
"At 60-years-old I am still dealing with your actions... I am angry my early years were taken from me.
"Knowing you will be in prison for what you did to me helps. But I can't get the time back."
Ten victim impact statements were read to the County Court of Victoria on Thursday during a plea hearing and more were submitted to the court for Judge Greg Lyon to read.
At 60-years-old I am still dealing with your actions... I am angry my early years were taken from me.
- Victim survivor
Many survivors attended the online court hearing and turned on their cameras when they were individually addressed by the judge. Some cried while he addressed them.
"I am overwhelmed by the power of these statements," he said.
"You were all young boys and none of this was your fault.
"I am moved by the courage and dignity you have to participate in these proceedings and provide statements which gave me insight into what each of you have felt. It appears it has been lifelong.
"It is my sincere hope each of you can find after these proceedings are over that you can heal and find peace.
"The judicial process is not a process which people in your position find particularly satisfying. There is no correlation between the hurt you feel and sentences imposed for these crimes."
Prosecutor Brett Sonnet said the offending happened while Dowlan was aged between 21 and 38 and while he was working as a teacher.
All of his victims were under 16, some as young as eight. The offending happened at Ballarat, East Melbourne, Geelong, Anglesea and Warrnambool.
Dowlan taught at St Alipius Boys School in 1971 and at St Patrick's College between 1973 and 1974.
The court heard it took some survivors 30 years before they felt they could talk about the offending against them and make a report to police.
Two boys were abused on a school bus while others were preyed upon by their teacher in toilet blocks, change rooms and after being sent to Dowlan for misbehaving in class.
During a football match Dowlan touched one of the boys each time their team kicked a goal and kissed him when the team won.
Some of the offending happened in the boys' family home, on many instances when one child was being tutored in the kitchen.
One day he towelled a boy after sport practice in front of his teammates and rubbed his genitals.
Victim survivors said they felt fear, humiliation and shame. Many dropped out of school early and made efforts to avoid attending school.
Dowlan frequently held his head in his hands and looked down during the court hearing and sometimes shook his head.
Dowlan has already been sentenced to 14 years' imprisonment for offending against 30 students in the past. He has been in custody since October 2014.
Defence barrister Belinda Franjic said it was conceded Dowlan could die in prison. The court hearing will continue on Friday.
Affected by this story? Phone Ballarat Centre Against Sexual Assault, 5320 3933, or free-call the 24 hour line on 1800 806 292. Or phone Lifeline, 13 11 14, Blue Knot Foundation,1300 657 380, or Relationships Australia, 1300 364 277.